1. That it doesn’t matter if your baby girl is dressed in a bright pink babygrow, sitting in a pink car seat and cuddling a pink teddy bear- you will get at least a couple of people come up and ask you ‘Is it a boy or a girl?’
2. That regardless of how much you pretend you don’t care, you do inwardly swear at the people who ask if your baby girl dressed in a bright pink babygrow, sitting in a pink car seat and cuddling a pink teddy bear is a boy or a girl. And want to kick them in the shins. Hard. It doesn’t matter if they say ‘He is so cute.’
3. That breast fed babies DO get wind. In fact they get a lot of wind. It is frightening how much a little person can burp, sick and do worse!
4. That you lose every ounce of dignity when you become a Mum- the world and his wife has seen my boobs, you talk in great detail about poo and you enjoy reliving your labour story in great detail to anyone who will listen.
5. That everyone tells you to sleep when they sleep in the early days and you don’t realise how annoying this is until you are a Mum yourself. This is in fact impossible as when you do feel sleepy they decide just a five minute power nap will suffice and when they do decide to take a four hour sleep marathon you are wide awake and want to clean the house like a frantic mad woman.
6. That it is possible to feel hatred towards your husband. Generally when they are snoring their head off at 3am in the morning completely oblivious to the fact you are lying there with a little monkey clamped to your nipple.
7. That even though you swore you would never watch Jeremy Kyle, YOU JUST CAN’T HELP YOURSELF. In the early days they spend a lot of time asleep and you don’t have the energy to do the housework.
8. That whenever you are out and you run out of nappies or forget a change of clothes, is the time that your baby decides to do an explosion everywhere.
9. That you thought your tummy was flabby before baby. Now you wish you could be like that again. Post baby tummies bring a whole new meaning to the word Muffin Top.
10. That there is absolutely no point in spending money on toys. A remote control, a bit of carpet fluff, a piece of cardboard or an empty crisp packet are FAR more exciting than that expensive toy you have just forked out on.
11. That if you thought you were emotional before having a baby- think again. Now you can’t even watch Peppa Pig without sobbing at the emotional turmoil of it all.
12. That all baby food is orange even if should be green. Just trust me, its all orange and it stains- bigtime.
13. That you thought you were tired before but you didn’t realise what tired was. Now when one of my non Mummy friends says they are exhausted I inwardly laugh hysterically.
14. That you can now sing a song about absolutely everything in an attempt to keep them from crying- Mads – such gems as the ‘I am going to change your bum’ rap and the classical version of ‘Let us hoover the lounge.’ For some reason babies love singing.
15. That every single other new mother is in the same position as you- living in a world of sick, poo, exhaustion and downright bloody amazingness.
16. That you have no real idea what you are doing, but it doesn’t matter because as soon as you become a Mum it just comes naturally. Nothing can prepare you, but you just do it. And for the most part you do it well.
17. That you swear you will never have a baby again but then you get through the first few months, and then get all broody and want to do it all over again.
18. But it will take a few months longer for your partner to feel the same way!
19. That you can fall in love at first sight.